Actually, you probably know I'm not dead, given that I've been yelling about the ridiculousness of my life all over Twitter. But in case you hadn't spotted that; I'm not dead. I've been stupid busy though. To the point where I really thought I might die, in an utterly over-dramatic, 'I can't do this any more' sort of way. But actually I was absolutely fine. Just fucking exhausted. Herewith find some random musings on Teh Stupid Busy. There's no smut here. If you're here for smut, move on by, and maybe come back at the weekend.
It's now day five of half term, and I have slept, eaten and washed. (I promise I was washing before!). For the past six or eight weeks I've been in a whirlwind of exhaustion. That sounds ridiculous - surely you can't be whirlwind-ing around if you're exhausted? Apparently, you can. I'm trying to stop myself banging on about the work situation which led to the state I (with all my colleagues) was in, but if you bump into me any time in the next few weeks I'll probably be unable to help myself. In short; our GCSE results were crap. The head didn't like it. The head thought of *a lot* of new things to add to our workload which may or may not improve results. Including the implementation of a completely new qualification (by me!). People in other schools think we're insane, because I'm attempting to do in two months what most schools would do in a year. (I feel the need to point out that the head has set this deadline, not me!).
Anyway, the upshot is that I have been working insanely long hours. Like, starting at seven every day, going through to eight at the earliest every weekday. At least two nights a week I've worked till gone ten. Every weekend I've done at least one day in school, sometimes two. I guess there are some professionals to whom this seems like a walk, nay, a romp, in the park. You have my unstinting admiration, because eight weeks of the above just about finished me.
Of course, working at that level was bound to have an effect on the rest of my life. I stopped sleeping for a few days - I think my brain just got so full it couldn't process everything, so was trying to get some extra thinking time at the expense of me sleeping! It's bloody hard to teach a full day when you've had around six hours sleep spread over the preceding three nights! I stopped eating too - when I was at work I was too busy, and when I got home I was too tired. Both of those are normally signs of impending doom in terms of mental health - fortunately I've bounced back fine now I've had some time off and some rest.
My social life was fairly fucked up too. I lost count of the number of times I had to say 'I'm sorry, I can't have coffee/play bridge/play rugby/go out for dinner/have playtime, I'm too tired/hungry/fucked off.' It upsets me more than I can express that I haven't even been to the rugby club since the start of September. I've managed to go to the gym a couple of times, but only to swim - I haven't had the energy for anything else. One Sunday I managed to do a class - I absolutely loved it, and it reminded me how fantastic I feel when I'm in there every day. Sadly, I was at work late for the whole of the next week, and couldn't get back again. I've missed seeing really old friends - a couple of uni get-togethers went by the wayside simply because I couldn't face travelling to them and sleeping on a floor in a sleeping bag. Occasionally, close friends have said 'enough. You're spending the day with us because you need to rest and be fed properly.' It's wonderful to have people in my life who will turn a blind eye to endless cancelling of plans, but will step in and say 'stop' when they can really see that I should.
There have been lots of opportunities for play, which I've turned down along with everything else. Partly it's been time - any spare time I've had I've wanted to spend just with me. But I've also been so mentally frazzled that I've not wanted to let go of my self-control. I know the cliche is that subs are people (often women) in fast paced, high powered jobs who just need to let go for a while and allow someone else to be in charge. I've got to say it doesn't seem to work that way for me. I was planning for most of this post to be about this. But actually I don't really feel the need to go into *why*. It's enough to know that when I'm working at a level which is right on the edge of what is possible for me, I won't want to play.
So what's next? Well, hopefully this term will be less hectic. I'm finding it hard to deal with the fact that how busy I am will essentially be determined by outside influences (the demands of my boss!). But I think I can probably think of some ways to make my workload less, or at least to concentrate it into less time. A bit like 'work smarter, not harder.' Except that I hate that phrase, and immediately want to throttle anyone who uses it. And if I can spend less time at work, then I can hopefully find a bit more time to eat properly and to sleep eight hours a night. And once I've done that, I can think about my social life again!
I've just re-read this entry, and it's struck me that it's somewhat whiney. 'I couldn't do this because, I couldn't do that because, blah blah, whinge, moan, whine.' And from my perspective sitting here, half way through half term, well rested, well fed, content, it does seem daft to reel off all these things that I was *unable* to do. And if I'd tried a bit harder, maybe I would have been able to play rugby, to go to the gym, to see my friends. That attitude is the one that gets me in these messes in the first place. Fat Teaspoon - you are not superwoman! Repeat ad nauseam.
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