Hello world

Yes, it's definitely always good to begin a blog with a geeky in-joke that perhaps ten percent of the people reading it will even notice, never mind find amusing.

So, what am I doing here?  As fat_teaspoon, I've been bumming around the internet for a year or so now, mostly on livejournal, but I also occasionally pop up on dreamwidth or AO3.  As Harriet, I've existed for roughly ten minutes, since I realised that I didn't want to write this new blog as my actual, real life self.  And I always wanted to be called Harriet.

A fair few people have asked me recently, 'why Fat Teaspoon?'  Which brings me kind of neatly (I think so anyway) to the reason I am here.  I have a multi faceted life, and there are various aspects of it which don't mesh together very well.  For example, I don't particularly want my rugby playing friends to know that I enjoy being spanked.  However, I do think that my kinky friends need to know about Fat Teaspoon.

Fat Teaspoon is my depressive alter ego.  So named because my anti-depressive medication used to make me fat, and leave me with the emotional range of a teaspoon.  Thankfully it now does neither of these things!  I'm quite an honest person, and I feel uncomfortable hiding things from people.  I'm also massively militant about the destigmatisation (is that a word?) of depression.  So I don't want to play with people, and not tell them this about myself.  Because a) I would feel guilty, and b) if they don't want to play because of it, I can shout at them a lot, and explain how narrow-minded they are.

As I'm very new to the kinky scene (BDSM and CP, for those of you who want clarification of exactly what I'm talking about), I don't really know yet to what extent my depression is going to affect my playtime.  Hopefully not at all, or at least to no greater extent than it affects my everyday life.  But if it does, I want a place to write about it.

Maybe I'm completely mistaken in thinking that my illness might affect whether or not people want to play with me.  But I know that it concerns me.  I self harm.  I cut myself, deliberately, because I like the sight of my blood.  I also like people to hit me until I wriggle and cry.  I can see how these two things (very different in my head) might be confusing to an external observer.

I also know that I'm doing something rather silly by putting this out in the world.  Whether I like it or not, depression labels me.  It makes people (not all people, thankfully) think that I am weak, stupid, fragile, delicate, whiney, self centred and selfish.  If I deliberately or accidentally connect people I know in real life to my blog here, I could massively change their opinions of me.  Hopefully not.

Right.  Self indulgent navel gazing over.  In other news, I'm going to play this week.  With multiple people.  I'm too nervous to write about what I hope will happen, in case it doesn't, so hopefully later in the week I'll be able to write about what a wonderful time I had.